Menace to Society

Have you ever heard the quote from Brigham Young that if a guy is over 25 and single that he is a menace to society? I've been thinking about that lately and I can see how certain guys can be menaces in so many ways that it would take up an entire post to write about. Some examples might be the heart breaker who goes on dates and then breaks the girls heart whether it be intentionally or not due to the fact that he's looking for a girl that doesn't exist or has no intentions for any kind of commitment at all. Another way might be the fact that it's a commandment to get married and that by not getting married in the early 20's, one is a menace that way as well. Like I said, there are countless ways about members of the church and non-members alike that the whole thing can be discussed and broken down in analysis. However, let me also make the point that there are also few out there who are not menaces at all, but are just having a hard time finding the right person. Hopefully, that is how you consider me to be.

Now, I also can see how this quote can be reversed. Not that the guy is a menace to society, but society is a menace to the guy. I don't mean to offend anyone because I don't mean this in a bad way. Most of what I am about to write is just general observations and not meant to pick on any one person or group. I also realize that the advice and other things I hear is only said with good intentions in mind to help me out. With that being said, let me explain my situation in my own point of view and then explain what I mean by society as a menace to the guy from the point of view of an older guy in the church with single status.

I consider myself to be a good person. I also realize that I am 29 and still single. By church standards, that would mean I am getting old. A few days before leaving on his mission, my brother jokingly said that he expected me to be married when he got back. He added that because I was a "menace to society" I was old. All I had to do to be considered young again was to get married. I thought it was funny and we both laughed about it. With that note, while I am looking to get married, I am by no means in any kind of a rush, meaning that I want to get married, but ideally, I'm not going to find a girl and propose a week later, or even 7-8 months later for that matter. I will take the time to get to know the girl and council with the Lord on when and if I should propose to her.

I also have been on enough dates to know which personalities I get along with, which ones I don't, and even which ones I could tolerate. I have an idea of what I want in a girl, but at the same time I realize that the so called "perfect" girl isn't out there, so I am willing to compromise. By that, I don't mean lower my standards. I mean, for example, that I would like to find a girl who plays the piano, but if I find a girl who doesn't play, I'm not going to let it stop me if she lives the gospel, I get along with her, and if I am happy to be with her.

Now, I know that the church suggests dating a variety of girls to get to experience various personalities and such. However, what most members don't realize is that this is suggested to the youth. Yes, it may be helpful as an adult and may be better for some than others, but it is personal preference. On my mission, I had the opportunity to hear from Apostles 6 different times. Each time, they talked about dating and marriage after the mission. Each time, they would only spend 10-20 minutes in a 4-6 hour block talking with us about it. Because they didn't focus on this subject, they were very specific and very profound when they brought it up. I won't repeat everything that they said, but they did say that guys needed to buckle down and focus. The days of group dating and dating lots of girls are over. After a mission, it's time to date girls who we are attracted to, who we get along with, and who are living the standards of the gospel. There is more to what they said, but that is the basic explanation.

Here is how society can be a menace to the guy. In my situation, I have a lot of people trying to help me out by giving various types of advice, all with good intentions. I have some people who say I need to take my time, date various girls, and then pick from that. It's good advice. I agree with it. On the other hand, I have people telling me that I need to "make a move" in the 2nd or 3rd date (ie. have a DTR with her, take her hand, or put my arm around her, ect.) or else she will loose interest and I'll end up hearing the "just want to be friends" speech. Perhaps good advice to a certain degree, but also out of my comfort zone at times.

Do you see the conflict here? Some say take your time while others say be more aggressive. I follow one set of advice, but get no results. I follow the other set of advice the next time and same thing. These conflicts are examples of the point of this post.

I agree to a certain level with both types of advice given, but every situation is different. It has just been my bad luck that the advise I choose to use in different situations was the wrong way to go at the time.

As I mentioned before, I have had enough dates to know the various personalities I get along with. I look for them when I see a girl. If I am attracted to a girl, I observe her for 2-3 weeks. Does she live the gospel? Does she consistently dress modestly? Does she consistently attend all of her church meetings and FHE? Does she follow Christ's example in her interaction with others? I look for these things and answers to other questions while observing. I also introduce myself and begin small talk conversations with her. If conversations (not just one conversation)goes well and if the answers to the a fore mentioned questions are yes, then ,and only then, will I ask her on a date. So while I may not be going on dates with more than one girl (because I know what personalities I get along with), I do interact with and observe a variety of girls. If the first date goes well, I will ask her on another one. I may also ask for a 2nd date if I feel that there wasn't a chance to get a feel for how we interact. At any rate, the 2nd date is confirmation to me if things could work out or not. If I ask a girl on a 3rd date, it is because I feel that we could get along and that is about the time I am starting to think about so called "making a move" to show my interest in committing to get to know her better and more exclusively in a relationship. Sometimes that "move" is ask on a 4th date. Sometimes it is a DTR because I haven't recognized any indication from her whether or not she is interested. It all depends on the situation. Remember two things. I'm not really aggressive when chasing a girl and I'm not going to rush anything. This is the selection process that I have found works for me.

If a girl doesn't like how I do things in this process, then we probably aren't meant to be. I spent all of my teenage years and even some years in my 20's trying to figure out who I want to be and who I am. I have finally reached a point that I am happy about who I am and how I treat others. I'm not going to change again to satisfy the desires of some girl. Elder Bednar once told a pre-missionary that he shouldn't do anything to prepare to go on a mission. What he should do is become a missionary before he goes on a mission so that he doesn't have to be trained when he gets there and change while there. He should be at that point before the missionary gets there so that the training will only be a review. That is what I am doing. I have become the person I would expect myself to be in a marriage. The only thing missing is the girl.

As mentioned before, I hope that none of you are offended by this. I just wanted to clear up some things about my situation as a 29 year old single male, and how I am working to find the right person to marry. Thanks for the advice and support. I feel that my time is coming soon. Of course I don't know exactly when, but I do have a reassuring feeling that the time is coming.